These Last Three Years
by Anjirika
Summary: Alternte post "Knockout" fic. When Kate wakes up and doesn't remember ever working with Castle, do they even have a chance? Please read and reivew!


Disclaimer: The characters and plotlines of CASTLE do not belong to me.

**These Last Three Years**

To say that she wasn't sore would be an understatement. To say that she wasn't confused would be an even bigger one. But when Kate Beckett's Doctor, a man who called himself Josh said that her family and friends could come and visit her, she was sure that everything would fall into place. And despite the pain, the minute that she laid eyes upon her father, she couldn't help but smiling. "Dad," she whispered, as she saw tears in her father's eyes.

"You okay?" he asked worriedly. "Do you need anything."

"No," she answered, trying to not show how much in pain she was in. "I'm okay for now I think…" Kate paused and allowed her eyes to travel to the right. Just slightly behind her Dad were her two partners, Ryan and Esposito, followed by Lanie. "Hey guys," she greeted with a small smile. "I don't suppose that we've caught the bastard who shot me yet, have we?"

Ryan shook his head. "No, we're looking but we've got nothing."

"We've got cops everywhere, looking for a sign of the shooter," Esposito added. "But no one saw anything."

"Well I wouldn't say that," Lanie added after flashing Kate a warm smile. "Castle saw the flash didn't you?"

_Castle?_ Kate thought to herself in surprise. _As in Richard Castle?_

"Uh yeah," came the voice of her favourite author. "I saw the flash but—"

"I'm sorry," Kate interrupted, straining to see past her friends. "But, is that Castle?"

"Yeah," he replied in a small voice as he made his way around her friends to the end of her bed. "I'm here."

"Castle," Kate said in disbelief. "Richard Castle."

Castle looked rather awkward. "You uh, seemed surprised to see me Kate."

"I am," she began when a look of confusion crossed her face. "That is to say… and I don't mean to be rude but you'll have to excuse me seeing how I've just been shot and all but…" Kate paused and looked into Castle's eyes. "I wasn't aware that we were on a first name basis."

To say that Castle looked surprised would have been an understatement. He looked absolutely crushed. "What?" he asked, and Kate could see her friends and father exchange looks.

"I'm sorry," she apologized. "I am a super big fan of your books and all, but we've never actually met…"

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Kate knew that she had said something wrong. "Have we?" she asked looking to her father and partners for an explanation but they all made some lame excuse about leaving, leaving Kate and Richard Castle alone.

Kate looked back to him very confused. "Have I missed something?"

Castle nodded. "You have, you really have."

Kate wanted to ask what she had missed, but instead all she could focus on was the way that Castle was staring at her. It was as though he had lost something precious. Seeing him like that made Kate's heart hurt, and she couldn't figure out why. It wasn't as though she knew him.

"I'm sorry," she apologized again. "But, why are you looking at me like that?"

Castle looked at her like a dear caught in headlights. "What way?"

"Like you've lost something dear to you," Kate answered quietly. "Like you've just had your heart ripped from your chest." Kate watched him as he looked away, and realized that maybe, however impossible it seemed to her it was exactly what had happened. "Castle?" she asked slowly, reaching out her hand as though some inexplicable force was draying her to him. "Tell me. What have I forgotten?"

Castle turned to Kate with surprise in his eyes. "What?"

"Clearly I've forgotten something," she answered. "A great lot of something considering the fact that you're not the first person to look at me this way."

"I'm not?"

Kate shook her head. "No, that doctor of mine, Josh something… he seemed surprised that I didn't know him as well…." She paused and noticed the look of semi-amusement that crossed his face. "…that and the fact that he muttered something about welcome to twenty-eleven. Last I remember it was two-thousand and eight, but clearly that isn't a case so I ask again, what exactly have I missed?"

Castle looked away, not sure where to begin.

"You're not afraid to tell me," she asked. "Are you?"

He looked back at her. "No, of course not… it's just…"

"Start from the beginning," she pleaded. "I want to know what's happened."

Castle nodded and moved around from the end of her bed to the side. He sat down on the edge and took a deep breath before starting. "Well, it began three years ago, when I was brought in on a case."

"You?" she asked. "Brought in on a case? Why?"

"Well bodies were turning up like the ones in my book, so it was thought that I would know what was going on."

"And did you?"

"No," Castle answered. "But with my help we were able to find the bad guy."

"Oh. Then what happened?"

And so Castle continued talking. He explained everything, not leaving anything out. There were moments that he wanted to, like when she threw him out for digging into her mother's case the first time and the big fight that they had days before Montgomery's funeral. But start to finish, good times and bad, Richard Castle went through them all.

For Kate it seemed like such an absurd story. How could it be possible that she would actually allow a writer to join her on assignment? When he mentioned how she was his muse, and how two books had been written, with a third one coming out soon and a movie premiere in the fall— well she couldn't help but feel a little squeamish. She didn't like the thought of her being displayed for the world to see. But as he continued speaking, Kate could feel as though Montgomery had made the right choice. Richard Castle seemed to be like a good addition to their team.

Revelations like all the deaths and connections surrounding her mother's murder nearly threw Kate for a loop but she was completely shocked when he told her that Montgomery had been killed, practically right in front of her and that it was at his funeral that she had been shot. "No…" she whispered, tearing coming to her eyes. "No that can't be true…"

"I'm sorry Kate," he apologized, taking her hand. "I wouldn't lie to you."

"But lies is all you know," she snapped feeing hurt and scared. "You're a writer. You spin stories."

"I'm not spinning stories now," he swore. "I promise."

Heart-wrenching sobs shook Kate and in her distressed state she allowed Castle to gather her into his arms. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "I'm so sorry to be the one to tell you this. I'm so sorry that you've lost your mentor. It was a blow to us all…"

"What do you know of it?" she snapped through her tears.

"Montgomery was my friend," he answered. "His death shocked me too."

Kate shook her head. "I don't understand. I don't understand any of this."

"What's going on here?" asked a female voice.

Kate and Castle turned to see a nurse with her hands on her hips. Before either of them could explain she shooed Castle away. "I'll not have you upsetting my patient. You're going to leave her to get some rest."

"But I—"

"Miss Beckett I know that you're used to doing what you please," the nurse stated before taking a side long glance at Castle with a smirk. "Or whom you please…" she added under her breath. "But I'll not have you getting all upset on my watch."

"It's alright," Castle said as he stood up. "I'll go."

"But…"

"I'll come back," he promised Kate. "Later."

…

Richard Castle joined Kate's friends and father in the hallway. His own mother and Alexis were coming down the hallway and all had worried looks on their faces. "Dad is it true?" Alexis asked. "She doesn't remember you?"

"She doesn't remember anything," Esposito answered.

"She doesn't remember the last three years," Ryan clarified.

Martha looked to her son with a sad empathetic sigh. "I'm so sorry."

"We all are," Jim, Kate's father agreed. "I don't understand what happened."

"Well I might have a clue to that," Lanie spoke up. "Sometimes, when we go through something traumatic, and we're all in agreement that getting shot is a traumatic experience… well sometimes trauma can doing something strange to the brain. It will protect itself, erase things and basically default to a time that holds no connection to the incident." She paused and looked sympathetically at Castle. "Now, it's nothing against you Castle, but everything that's happened with Montgomery's death and the shooting, it's—"

"It's my fault."

"Now I've already said that it's not," Martha insisted.

"Well it is," Lanie interjected. "Just not in the way that he thinks. Right now Kate's brain is all scrambled and it's taken away every connection to her shooting and the death of Montgomery and both of those are connected to you, because you were there both times," she paused and gave him a soft smile. "In cases like these, the amnesia is only temporary. She's sure to get her memory back soon or later."

"Hopefully sooner," Castle muttered under his breath as he looked longingly at Kate's closed doorway. "Seeing how I just told her everything."

"Everything?" Martha asked.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Jim asked at the same time.

Castle gave both parents a stern look. "I'm not stupid. I just told her what she wanted to know. She could tell that I knew her… and I just explained the cases that we've worked on together and how I pushed for her to re-look at her mother's death and how Montgomery died and how she was shot."

"And that's it?" Jim asked. "You didn't tell her anything else?"

"I just told her the facts," Castle reiterated. "Nothing else."

"Oh my poor son," Martha sighed.

"Alright," came the voice of Kate's nurse as she exited the room. "I've given Miss Beckett a sedative, she's going to be out till morning at the very least, so I suggest that you all go home for the night…" she paused and looked at Kate's father. "Except you of course, family is allowed to stay."

Jim nodded thankfully and the others made their way out, Castle pulling up the rear because he couldn't stop thinking about Kate and how she had lost the last three years of her life… their life as colleagues, partners, friends and— Castle stopped what were he and Kate really? He wanted to say that they were more than friends, the certainly were more than friends on their part, but Castle had no idea how she really thought of him.

There were moments that he was sure that she loved him as he loved her. They were few and far between, fleeting at best. The sentiment was conveyed in a look or a smile, or a subtle change in the tone of her voice. Those were the moments that Castle lived for. Those were the moments that he craved. But then the moment passed and he was left wondering if he had imagined it.

"Don't worry son," Jim stated, breaking into Castle's thoughts. "It'll be okay."

"Mr. Beckett?"

"Jim, call me Jim."

Castle nodded. "What'll be okay Jim?"

"My daughter's memory. Kate has a memory like an elephant, she never forgets anything," he promised Castle. "She'll remember the years sooner or later."

Castle sighed. "Oh I hope so…" he paused and glanced down at his watch. "Well, goodnight Jim."

"Goodnight Castle."

…

Castle kicked his shoes against the floor as he made his way out of the hospital. He had been prepared for Kate not to remember his admission of love when she woke up but he hadn't been prepared for her to not remember anything at all. "Oh Kate," he muttered aloud. "What am I going to do with you?"

"You're not going to do anything," came a voice behind him. "You'll stay away."

Castle turned and saw Josh standing there. "Josh?"

"Kate doesn't remember you. You're going to leave her alone."

"She's my friend," Castle said.

"Yeah, she might be your friend but you're the one who pushed her to this," Josh accused. "You're the one who got her shot."

"Back off Josh," Castle threatened, even though the words rang true for him. "I did not pull the trigger. I did not smuggle the shooter in to the cemetery. I did not make Kate look into her mother's murder. I just thought that she had a right to know… she's a big girl. She can make her own choices."

"Only when they're informed," Josh countered angrily. "Don't go putting your nose where it doesn't belong."

Castle shook his head. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm talking about you hanging around here," Josh threatened. "I don't want you messing up her recovery process."

"You can't tell me what to do."

"I'm her boyfriend,"

"Who she doesn't remember," Castle pointed out.

"She doesn't remember you either,"

"No," Castle agreed, trying to not let that fact kill him inside. "But I told her about the last three years, how we've been working together… she's going to want me to help her work through her shooting."

Josh's brow furrowed. "Damn you Castle," he cursed. "Why can't you stay away from her? Most guys would be running to the hills…"

"I love her," Castle admitted bluntly, his tone making no apologizes for how he felt, and feeling rather better now that he'd admitted it to someone else. "I'm not going anywhere."

Josh looked as though he had just been slapped. "You. Love. Her?"

Castle nodded. "Yes. I do… do you?"

"I uh," Josh sputtered. "I care for Kate but—"

"Yeah," Castle said. "That's what I thought."

…

The following morning, despite Josh's warning to stay away, Castle returned to the hospital with flowers in hand. Despite how they had left it yesterday, Kate's eyes lit up when she saw him come in. "Castle," she said with a smile, though it was a weak one at that. "You came back."

"Course I did," he said as he showed her the flowers. "They told me you were opening up a flower shop so I figured that I'd pitch in."

Kate laughed a little as Castle put the flowers beside her bedside, along with all the others. "That's not what I mean," she said as he sat down. "I meant after yesterday…"

"Hey," he began as nonchalantly as he could. "Just because you can't remember the last three years, doesn't mean that I'm going to be scared away. We're friends you and I… I'm not going anywhere."

Kate gave Castle a grateful smile. "I'm glad to hear. I don't think I could stand someone else bailing on me."

"Who—?" Castle began before the answer hit him. "Josh."

Kate nodded. "Josh. He came to me this morning, saying that we WERE in a relationship before the shooting, but that he couldn't handle me not remembering the last three years and looking at him blankly so he told me to call him if I remembered."

"And will you?" Castle asked, almost afraid of the answer.

"Hell no," Kate said bitterly. "I don't need any more disappointment in my life…" she paused and looked at him thankfully. "Honestly Castle, it means a lot to me that you're here, and that you told me everything. Dad said that he was worried what it would do to my psyche, hearing everything about our cases and my mother murder but it's strange you know? I feel detached from it, like not remembering has set me free from the hole I was clearly digging myself into."

Castle nodded in understanding. "So I guess you don't want to remember?"

"Oh no I do," she assured, much to Castle's apparent relief. "I just want to remember without the emotion… the psychiatrist that I spoke to this morning said that we could work towards that."

"And do you… do you want to remember?"

Kate nodded. "I feel like a piece of me is missing, like a lot of pieces of me are missing. Having three years of your life go up in smoke is very unsettling to say the least."

Castle smiled, and Kate caught it. "What?" she asked.

"I like this," he admitted.

"Like what?"

"This new you," he answered. "When we met you didn't like me very much."

Kate couldn't help but grin. "Yes, but weren't you the one who said that you came off as a bit of a player? Someone that couldn't fit into my world?"

Castle shrugged his shoulders. "I guess."

"You're the one that's changed Castle," she told him. "Not that I remember or anything but… not anyone would tell someone about the last three years of their life, even the really bad bits. I'm thankful to you for that and I hope…" Kate paused. "I hope that you won't be going anywhere?"

"Oh no," Castle promised. "First order of business get your memory back, second order of business, get the bastards that did this to you."

Kate smiled and leaned forward enough so that she could kiss Castle's cheek. "Thank you," she said in a quiet whisper. "For everything."

…

Three months later, Kate was back on duty in the precinct. She had "Iron Gates" to deal with along with a jumpy Ryan and Esposito but she knew that she'd be able to handle it. She had worked really hard to piece together her memory and as her body healed, so did her mind. Soon she had remembered everything right up until the shooting. She couldn't remember the ACTUAL shooting, but her psychiatrist wasn't too concerned. "It'll come in time," he promised her as he signed her psych evaluation, which would allow her to go back to work. It was after her first case back, which dealt with a death of a starlet that Kate, had a revelation. She was looking at Castle from across her desk when suddenly she remembered.

"I love you," he had told her. And Kate knew that she had to let him know that she loved him too. She asked him if he'd like to go for coffee, her treat. Castle agreed, like he agreed to so many things in the past two months. Once they got their coffee's she told him.

"I remember," she said at last. "I remember everything."

Castle looked at her, a little confused. "I knew you remember everything."

Kate shook her head. "I mean that I remember more than the last three years," she paused and looked at Castle, steadying herself. "I remember what you told me, when I lay dying. I remember what you said."

Castle looked like a dear caught in headlights. "And what—"

"I'm not angry Castle," she assured. "I'm just sorry."

"Sorry?" Castle asked, his heart sinking.

"I'm sorry that it's taken me two months to do this," Kate whispered as she leaned up and captured Castle's lips with her own. It was a small kiss, but a welcome one none-the-less and when she pulled back, she could see the joy shining in Castle's eyes and knew that it mirrored the look in her own eyes.

"I love you too Rick," she said quietly, her heart beating a mile a minute. The wall that she had built up over the years was gone. Castle had pulled it down long before she had even begun to remember the last three years and as they walked hand in hand down the streets of New York, Kate was so thankful for the years that Castle had been in her life and she hoped, just like he did, that there would be many more to come.

END

_Author's Note: So here we have it. Yet another post "Knockout" fic. I liked the season premiere. Kate telling Castle to get lost made me cry, but the semi-smile at the end when she talked about remembering made it up totally. I can only hope that they get their act together this season and that Kate tells Castle that she knows how he feels, but only time will tell I guess. _

_Please leave a review!_


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